


Today’s Problem for Chaldea’s Staff

by AnemoiZephyr



Category: Fate/Grand Order
Genre: Comedic Violence, Comedy, Gen, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-20
Updated: 2019-10-20
Packaged: 2020-12-27 00:01:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 847
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21109355
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnemoiZephyr/pseuds/AnemoiZephyr
Summary: This story won’t teach you how to cook. It will teach you how to put up with concerning individuals you have to share the dinner table with though.All stories take place before the final Singularity.





	Today’s Problem for Chaldea’s Staff

**Author's Note:**

> Kiritsugu seems to be missing something valuable while something that thinks is valuable is just being plain annoying.

Kiritsugu was never the file a request to talk to Dr. Roman…in fact; it was odd for him to speak at all. Was he tense? Sick? The newly summoned Illyasviel von Einzbern can’t help but to be more than a little curious. She tried talking to him from time to time; recognizing him as her father but he never seems to respond. He never responded even to Ritsuka to be fair. 

“Have you seen my Walther WA2000?”

“I’m sorry what?” Roman tilted his head. A gold circle with a star in the center with pink wings floated out of Illya and snickered.

“It seems all that he knows about is boring medicine stuff and idols.”

“Don’t spread bad rumors, Ruby.” mumbled Illya. An antenna shot out of the top of Ruby.

“I’m not~!” Ruby's mischeif caused Illya's very appropriate response: A tired sigh. It was bad enough that, somehow, she became a spirit of legend, but to think that Ruby would be stuck to her. Ruby is the reason she can fight but Illya is convinced that the wand was even worse here than back in her life.

“We’re guests. We can’t cause trou-!” Illya said. Both of them flinched however as they heard the door open. Right there was Kiritsugu, his hood still up and as always ominous. Even Ruby knew to shut up right there and then. “Um…hello?”

“…I’ll be on my way. Don’t take too much of Dr. Roman’s time. He is a busy man.” Kiritsugu started to quickly down the halls of Chaldea. Illya and Ruby decided it was best to go the opposite direction.

* * *

“Oh come on, /try/ it~” Of course, just because Ruby knew when to shut up around someone who doesn’t even blink when he shoots his targets does not mean that he won’t get up to his usual antics of trying to give people their…concoctions.

“Do you not think I am not aware what is inside that mixture?” Medea might’ve gotten along with Ritsuka and Mash but it has always been up in the air if she got along with others. It was bad enough that a magical tool gain unnecessary sentience…it was worse in that it was /annoying/. “Now leave me be, I am busy.” 

“Putting together models isn’t being bu-!” Medea decided to make her own off switch as Ruby was finally silenced by the tip of Rule Breaker sink into the air between the star and the circle. “Okay! Okay! Busy!” Ruby dropped the vial it held with one of the ribbons and flew away.

“The fact that is a source of unlimited mana disgusts me.” Medea muttered as she got back to painting. Ritsuka sighed as he watched Ruby escape down the hall.

“What’s the matter?” Irisviel's voice caused the Master of Chaldea to turn around to face her. 

“Well, it seems Ruby is…well…” Ritsu wondered what was the best way to say this. “He’s somehow killing more morale than Blackbeard.” Irisviel blinked. That was pretty bad. However, a smile was on her face. She gently patted her master on the shoulders. This was worrying.

“Don’t worry, I have just the solution!” She started to skip off.

* * *

“There you are!” Illya finally caught up to Ruby. “I found beakers in our room again!”

“Oh come now, what’s wrong with a little science that can help secure humanity’s future~!” As angry as Illya as she can’t think of a solution for this troublesome wand. All she can do is scold the wand until it sinks…but that doesn’t seem to be the case. One ear and out the other if the phrase can be applied to sentient talking wands. She can’t abandon it though…thankfully, unexpected miracles happen. “Oh! Oh! I found this great recipe for-!” Before Ruby could even entertain further thoughts, a hand snatched it from the air…the grip was not at all light. Illya gasped as she gazed upon her mother; or rather an incarnation of her mother but that was getting into semantics. “Gah!! Y-you’re cracking me!!” It wasn’t a joke or a plea to lighten the grip either. Cracks started to form on the circle and the star. Irsiviel then perfectly tossed the wand circle into a nearby trash bin.

“Hello, dear.”

“H-hello, mom.”

“I don’t think you should use that wand anymore.”

“But how am I going to fight?!” complained Illya to her mother. It was then all further shock and complaints was replaced with sheer horror as Irisviel presented in a transparent case that was labeled "Walther WA2000"

* * *

Later that day, Irisviel was scolded for stealing from her fellow Servants. Da Vinci began work on repairing Ruby but, on the request of Illyasivel and Ritsuka, the wand will have a mute function this time around much to the wand’s despair. While the goal is human salvation and those in Chaldea try their best to respect the autonomy of their staff and the Servants…well…Ruby is a wand not a human or a Servant so maybe no one should feel bad at all.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed this slice of comedy that was cooked up while I was being frustrated by a game I otherwise enjoy (for better or for worse).


End file.
